What's the line between wanting to live and just not?
by stars33 - February 04, 2021 at 08:14 AM
#1
I really just wish that I felt like I wanted to live, but a lotta the time I really just have no need to

Like the only reason I am alive rn is because I just don't want my family to be sad or anything

dw I'm not killing myself but I sure have long passed that point where anything has meaning and I'm not even that old

I've explored so many options and life is still just so dull. Pandemic makes it so much worse

Honestly imagine just being born and having a satisfying fulfilling life, not even knowing what depression feels like because you were just lucky to be born right

it sucks that I've nowhere to go
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#2
There are a few times where I just feel 'done y'know? Not like depressed or owt, just useless and that I'm taking up space. I've got quite an annoying personality in some respect, so I'd probably do alot of people a favour by disappearing, plus I've had alot of psychologically abusive partners which I don't think ive totally overcome, and probably never will.
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#3
Don't feel ashamed for contacting your local suicide hotline. There are fine people working there that can help you with insights. Seek professional help in your area by contacting your doctor and explaining your emotional state of mind. This can all be done scrutinous and nobody needs to know.

A beautiful thought that you care so much for your family. Just make sure to listen to yourself and your feelings. You are defenitely not alone in this. Take that leap of faith, and trust someone else with your thoughts. You'll get to know yourself a lot more in the process.
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#4
(February 05, 2021 at 03:34 PM)Gerdy Wrote: Don't feel ashamed for contacting your local suicide hotline. There are fine people working there that can help you with insights. Seek professional help in your area by contacting your doctor and explaining your emotional state of mind. This can all be done scrutinous and nobody needs to know.

A beautiful thought that you care so much for your family. Just make sure to listen to yourself and your feelings. You are defenitely not alone in this. Take that leap of faith, and trust someone else with your thoughts. You'll get to know yourself a lot more in the process.

suicide hotlines are a fucking joke & the most your doctor will do to help you is give u a bunch of pills
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#5
I work in the sector. And I feel your pain. I truly do. I myself have seen a lot of buttholes, and the prescriptions are easily thrown out to calm you down. Short term. Calm your mind, and carry on. After a couple of hours your inner demon will feel like it's time to start shouting again and the whole shitshow starts all over again.

In your moments of clarity do some research for help tailored to your own situation. The probability of you getting out of your despair starts with yourself. Perhaps you're dealing with trauma related thoughts? Nightmares, PTSD, you name it. There are institutes that deal with that. Emotional abuse, borderline disorder, other types of disorders? There are therapies for those as well.

Be persistent with your doctor, name some roads that you think might be good for you. Don't just take the pills and leave. Although pills sometimes do help, however far too many a times the damage inside is far bigger than what a pill can solve ;-)
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#6
You raise some good points, fortunately I can not help you as I too suffer from perpetual suicidal tendencies
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#7
(February 05, 2021 at 03:47 PM)Gerdy Wrote: I work in the sector. And I feel your pain. I truly do. I myself have seen a lot of buttholes, and the prescriptions are easily thrown out to calm you down. Short term. Calm your mind, and carry on. After a couple of hours your inner demon will feel like it's time to start shouting again and the whole shitshow starts all over again.

In your moments of clarity do some research for help tailored to your own situation. The probability of you getting out of your despair starts with yourself. Perhaps you're dealing with trauma related thoughts? Nightmares, PTSD, you name it. There are institutes that deal with that. Emotional abuse, borderline disorder, other types of disorders? There are therapies for those as well.

Be persistent with your doctor, name some roads that you think might be good for you. Don't just take the pills and leave. Although pills sometimes do help, however far too many a times the damage inside is far bigger than what a pill can solve ;-)

if you are going to recommend suicide hotlines, at least do people a favor and recommend ones that you know actually help. most if not all suicide hotlines are dogshit. ive heard so many stories of people being told "you cant be depressed! you're only x years old!" by suicide hotline operators and people being left on hold for hours.

not to mention the hotlines that will give you generic ass quotes like "someone cares about you".

while i do admit that there are some doctors that may help, too many doctors are poorly trained to deal with mental health patients. the chances you'll get a shit doctor that doesnt give a fuck about you are pretty high
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#8
There are dozens of us.

Jokes asides, morbidly glad to see I'm not alone here. Never been suicidal thankfully but goddamn if I don't get fucking fed up with trying.
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#9
OP, you sound like every married guy I know :D :D :D It's the lockdown and Winter. Don't like something, change it! Say no and move on.

SunJew
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dBj4Ttnk18

Grango knows what's up.
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#10
(February 05, 2021 at 04:06 PM)grango Wrote: if you are going to recommend suicide hotlines, at least do people a favor and recommend ones that you know actually help. most if not all suicide hotlines are dogshit. ive heard so many stories of people being told "you cant be depressed! you're only x years old!" by suicide hotline operators and people being left on hold for hours.

not to mention the hotlines that will give you generic ass quotes like "someone cares about you".

while i do admit that there are some doctors that may help, too many doctors are poorly trained to deal with mental health patients. the chances you'll get a shit doctor that doesnt give a fuck about you are pretty high
For all we know OP lives in Botswana (I hope not, I don't think the hotlines there are any good, if they even exist). You know damn well recommending any isn't going to help us. Every Western country should have a governmental line set up. Also, you mention 'many stories' that you've supposedly heard. It's good to hear all the people you heard all these stories from lived to tell them. I guess it's a job well done by the people they spoke to. What I'm getting at, is getting in touch with people that might know of a potential road to recovery and help you get on it.

In the end, EPP also put it nicely: 'change it'. It all starts with yourself, and a willingness to change.

You sound disgruntled with the system, and are kind of taking it out on me. No biggy. I just hope OP has been able to find some solace.

Or maybe he's just a married guy moaning Biggrin
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#11
(February 06, 2021 at 02:37 PM)Gerdy Wrote:
(February 05, 2021 at 04:06 PM)grango Wrote: if you are going to recommend suicide hotlines, at least do people a favor and recommend ones that you know actually help. most if not all suicide hotlines are dogshit. ive heard so many stories of people being told "you cant be depressed! you're only x years old!" by suicide hotline operators and people being left on hold for hours.

not to mention the hotlines that will give you generic ass quotes like "someone cares about you".

while i do admit that there are some doctors that may help, too many doctors are poorly trained to deal with mental health patients. the chances you'll get a shit doctor that doesnt give a fuck about you are pretty high
For all we know OP lives in Botswana (I hope not, I don't think the hotlines there are any good, if they even exist). You know damn well recommending any isn't going to help us. Every Western country should have a governmental line set up. Also, you mention 'many stories' that you've supposedly heard. It's good to hear all the people you heard all these stories from lived to tell them. I guess it's a job well done by the people they spoke to. What I'm getting at, is getting in touch with people that might know of a potential road to recovery and help you get on it.

In the end, EPP also put it nicely: 'change it'. It all starts with yourself, and a willingness to change.

You sound disgruntled with the system, and are kind of taking it out on me. No biggy. I just hope OP has been able to find some solace.

Or maybe he's just a married guy moaning Biggrin

idk if they are still alive. the only reason they probably didnt commit suicide that time was because operators pissed em off to a crazy level. its not a job well done because they didnt fix the issue. next time that kid starts feeling suicidal, he definitely wont be asking a hotline for help

and yes im pretty pissed that the system has been allowed to remain shit for centuries when humans have the knowledge to help fix the issues. reason im ranting to you about it, is because you recommended the suicide hotline, which is probably the last thing that anyone should tell ppl to use

if you want to help yourself, the best therapy is just finding people that can relate to you and talking about your problems. its a thousand times better than a hotline that'll hang up on you, a dude who hands you pills every couple weeks or shitty psychologist that asks you "how does that make you feel"
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#12
Thanks, there's been a lot of good points raised. One of the main things for me is just at least trying, and staying about, just in case something actually happens that changes things you know

I've thought at least a couple of times things like "wow if I killed myself now I would never have experienced this moment"

It's just the waiting and the nothingness, the dullness that might last years and the unknowns, and feeling like everything good that can happen is over already (it strongly feels like this for me atm)

But I'm keeping it up for as long as I can, meaning or not I guess

Fuck life though, luck of the draw from the get go
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